I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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