Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
