I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She's the barista slut.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
