I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
