we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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