Ambien. No doubt about it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
