I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
