jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
