So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
