Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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