Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
