i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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