just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
