every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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