You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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