At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
