My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize