I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
