Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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