So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
