I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
