i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
