The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just found puke in my bra..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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