I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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