Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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