alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I want to fling myself into the sun
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
