my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
