My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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