how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
