Got a toothbrush?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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