my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
