I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
