Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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