Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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