I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
