Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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