I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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