Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize