My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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