saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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