I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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