I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
