You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
