Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
