Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
