just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
