Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think people are normalizing furries
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
