I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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