I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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