so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
