Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
