Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
