I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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