paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
