Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
