I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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