Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
